Struggling

My name is Candy Lee. (Yes, that is my first and middle name on my birth certificate). I'm a struggling indie singer/songwriter. For those of you who have forgotten what "Indie" means, it means independent, which means that I am not signed to a label, so I do all of my booking, promotion, recording, etc, myself. My last blog, was about my humble attempt to take my music on tour. Of course, like most musicians in hopes to make themselves seem like they are more successful than they actually are, I only highlighted the positive aspects about my tour in my previous blog, and probably exaggerated here and there about the extent to how well things actually went. But recently, I've decided it's time for a little honesty.

I haven't toured in a few years, but I have been playing shows. I'm tired of lying to people when they ask how a show went, responding with, "It went really well...It was a lot of fun..." etc, etc. I'm tired of trying to make myself look good, or look like I have a positive attitude about everything. The truth of the matter is shows sometimes suck. Sometimes nobody comes out, even when they promise you for weeks that they will. You can't trust what people tell you, because the majority of the time, they will flake out. That's just the reality of it. I'm not mad at anyone, I don't hold it against anyone, I just don't hold them to it anymore. I've been performing as Candy Lee for about 5 years now. I've been publicized locally, been on radio and news shows, and a lot of people know who I am and tell me they like my music, but still it's really hard to get people to come out.

But it's not all bad. I'm not a pessimist. I would say I'm more of a realist. And while I believe that positive thinking and dreaming big are essential to one day becoming successful, I think it's important to humble yourself, realize where you're at, accept when things don't turn out the way you'd hoped, and learn from it. I guess I've just accumulated and bottled up my frustrations, but now it's time for them to be let loose! Besides, who wants to hear a story where everything is awesome all of the time? Boring! That's what reality TV is all about, right? Life is FULL of drama. And it is full of little surprises, positive, negative, exciting, or just plain bazaar. If you know me, or have listened to much of my music, you'll know that I'm big on the concept of balance. All life is beautiful and sorrowful (listen to my song "All Life IS" below this paragraph). Positive and negative cannot exist without each other. So, in this blog I want to be honest, transparent, and real. I want to tell the story of someone who makes good music, but isn't successful all of the time, and isn't even doing music all of the time. I'm not a full time musician, though the hope is that someday I will be.



So here I am, putting myself out there. I'll try to blog at least once a week. It might turn out that no one visits this blog, or finds it entertaining, but I know that it will be beneficial for me. Music has always been my therapy, but when I'm frustrated about my musical career, what do I do then? Apparently, blog. This Honesty Blog will speak about the struggle of what it is to be an independent artist, and will probably eventually include bits about my daily life too. Music isn't just something that I do on stage. I'm constantly working on it every day. The blog might include inspirations for new songs, as they arise, or other weird things that might happen while I'm at a gig. Who knows? It's sure to give you an insight into what it is to be Candy Lee. 

In this first blog post, I'll share my back story, which isn't all that tumultuous, but isn't glamorous either. In order to really identify with a character, you have to know the back story, right? Uneventful, as it may be.

I was born and raised in the suburbs of Fort Myers, Florida. I have two loving parents who are still married. I had a very conservative upbringing, filled with church activities, sports, and band. I was an honors student all the way through college. I was in choir and chorus all growing up, and in middle school was in an elite choir that practiced after school and had about 8 members, all of which were girls. This is around the time when I started writing my own songs, mostly about boys, that were absolutely terrible. I approached my chorus director about wanting to write my own songs, since he played both piano and guitar. He told me to give him my notebook of lyrics, which I did. He must have thought they were just horrid, because he never made any efforts to try and turn them into songs, and at that time I was too shy and insecure to ask about it again.

I went to a performing arts high school, where aside from my other studies, I had 3 periods a day in which I played clarinet in band, the symphony, and various ensembles. I attribute my songwriting form to the classical music I was exposed to during my high school days. I can't remember the reasoning, I think I just wanted to stay close to my folks, but I somehow decided to stay in Fort Myers while I went to college. The college I attended was new, and didn't have a band program. I never really had too much of an affinity for the clarinet (I wanted to play saxophone, but it was too expensive of an instrument, my parents said), so I pretty much just dropped it all together.

My first year of college, I met a boy, and thought I was in love enough and grown up enough to get married. I got married at the age of 19. It was then I realized that being a grown up is hard, and you have to work all the time in order to make ends meet. Never the less, he and I formed an acoustic music duo called 50 Cent Trade. He played guitar and we both sang. It was very acoustic pop punk music, and representative of my age and mental state. We collaborated together on a lot of songs, but after he taught me a few guitar cords, I also wrote a few of my own. Somehow, in between waiting tables full time, and going to school full time, I managed to take a few guitar lessons. That's when my songwriting really took off. Learning an instrument that I could play and sing at the same time was essential. I had a lot of eye opening experiences during that relationship, and a few changes of world view too, learning about various world mythologies and delving into realms of science I hadn't dared to before. Philosophy and sociology classes that I took while in college shook me up too, in a good way. I changed majors 3 times, and decided on a BA in Environmental Studies.

My husband and I were out growing Florida and felt the need to move to a more progressive area, with more art and music. So we moved to... Arkansas. It wasn't our first choice. We were going to move to someplace like Colorado or Oregon, but the opportunity presented itself through a friend and we were going to use it as a stepping stone to our real destination, whenever we figured that out. But the city in Arkansas we ended up in turned out to be amazing. Fayetteville is a progressive little oasis in the middle of the bible belt. There's plenty of forward thinkers, musicians, and artists to go around. There's a grassroots movement of gardening, and supporting local businesses. There's a bike trail that almost runs through the whole city (which granted, it only takes about 15 minutes to drive from one end of the city to the other). I fell in love with Fayetteville, with it's welcoming musical community and drop dead gorgeous scenery of green rolling hills. I tried at first, to get a job with my degree. But as it turns out, you need a Master's Degree or PHD to get a job at all in that field nowadays. I wasn't going to go back to school any time soon either, I was on a path of the starving musician. Seeing as how the word "starving" is a key element there, I had to get yet another serving job.

I've been waiting tables and playing music whenever I can ever since. I've been divorced for about 2 years now, and am about to get married again... but all of that is maybe a little too personal, and probably too boring to blog about.

Since my decision to make my life's goal to be a successful musician I've released 2 full length albums, "The Gate," and "Human Conditions." I've been on 3 small tours. I've been a finalist in a few songwriting competitions, and I've released a couple of music videos. I wouldn't say that I've been doing terrible as a musician, but I still have a long way to go and a lot of growing to do, if I want to be able to do music for a living.

So that's me. I've just been working, working, working. This is literally my life: when I'm not working as a server, I'm at home recording, booking, promoting, practicing, and writing. I'm on photoshop creating images for my website, and posters, and stickers and t-shirts. I'm scheming about how to make my music marketable, or just how to get it into the hands and ears of people who might dig it. I don't think people realize what a full time job it is to be an independent musician; to have to do everything on your own. And... it doesn't pay well. I rarely get to just "hang out" because I'm so busy doing all of this in my "free time." So, that's why it's so upsetting when people don't come out to shows, or CD release parties, or buy your album, or when they talk over you while you're performing. Because you've put SO much work into it. It's all worth it though, when someone comes up to you after a show and says they cried during one of your songs, or writes you a post on Facebook saying that your music has helped them through a really hard time in their life. It's a labor of love, no doubt, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.